The Virgin Romance Novelist

By: Meghan Quinn

“Come on, you little bitch,” I swore, as I jumped up and down in my squatted position, trying to spread my legs as much as possible, wishing my vagina would stop contracting around the damn thing.

“Please come out!” I said, as I jumped harder while staring down into my southern region wishing for the damn thing to release.

More sweat trickled down my back while the sensation of the pulses kept running through me, while the pure fear of having a permanent vibrator stuck in my vag crossed my mind.

Just as I was making one last giant jump, my door flew open and Delaney walked in.

“What the hell are you doing in here?” she asked, as she stopped in the doorway and looked at me with shock.

I stood in the middle of my room, my shirt up around my waist and my naked torso shown for all to see. I was about to yell at her to get out of my room when the bullet that was once lodged in my vagina clunked to the floor and rolled toward Delaney, thanks to the old uneven floor only a New York City apartment could offer.

We stood in silence as Delaney stopped the bullet with her shoe and then looked back up at me.

Her lips twitched as she studied the scene unfolding in front of her. “Was that stuck in your vagina?”

I quickly put my shirt down and smoothed it out so I was properly covered before I began speaking.

“It’s rude to enter someone’s room without knocking.”

“Excuse me for wondering what kind of elephant stampede you had going on in here. If only I had known you were trying to remove a vibrator from your vagina, I would have given you more privacy.”

Heated embarrassment went straight to my face, turning it completely red.

“It’s Henry’s fault,” I blamed. “He didn’t give me a long enough one.”

“What are you talking about?” Delaney asked, as she grabbed a tissue off of my dresser and picked up the vibrator. “He gave you a bullet.”

“Because I’m a virgin, I know,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“What? No. Do you know what a bullet vibrator is, Rosie?”

I was about to answer, when I closed my mouth and thought about it for a second. I actually didn’t know what it was. I just guessed.

“A vibrator for someone who hasn’t broken their hymen yet?”

A twisted look of disgust crossed Delaney’s face as she studied me.

“You can say hymen, but pussy is disgusting to you?”

“It’s a medical term, the p word is slang.”

Shaking her head at me, Delaney said, “I love you, Rosie, but you can be so naïve at times. A bullet is a clit stimulator, it doesn’t go in your vagina, it just plays between your valley.”

“You mean…it plays in my sweet lady folds?”

“Jesus, yes!” Delaney answered, while tossing the bullet on my bed. She started laughing and said, “I can’t believe you got it stuck in your vagina.” As if she just realized what she walked in on, she started laughing hysterically while gripping the doorway to my room. “You got it stuck in your vagina and were jumping up and down to get it out.” She slid to the ground and wiped tears from her eyes, while I folded my arms across my chest and waited for her to be done.

“How was I supposed to know?” I defended myself. “There were no instructions. Henry just told me to find my O. Who knew there was such a thing as a clit stimulator?”

“You would know if you ever went to sex shops with me.”

“Did you know those places are covered in semen? You know those sex video booths in the back? Yeah, they don’t have hand sanitizer. There is no way I would go in one of those places. You can practically get pregnant from sniffing the air.”

“Yes, I did read that in the headlines the other day. Sexually charged woman gets pregnant from breathing in too much sex shop.”

I studied Delaney for a second and said, “You and I both know that title is way too long for a headline.”

Delany got off the ground while laughing and shaking her head. “Seriously, Rosie, I’m proud of you for trying, but maybe ask next time before you start sticking things in your vagina. Could you imagine if we had to go to the hospital to get that thing removed, sitting in the hospital while you’re constantly getting vibrated? God, can you actually stick it back up there so we can see what happens in the waiting room. That would just make my night.”

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