The Virgin Romance Novelist

By: Meghan Quinn

If I was going to do this, if I was going to try to fulfill my dream of writing a romance novel, then I was going to have to start becoming more comfortable with talking about sex…and that started today.

“That a girl!” Delaney said, while nudging my shoulder. “Before you know it, you’re going to be going at it just like Derk and me.”

“Yeah, by the way, can you keep the screams to a minimum?” Henry said, while typing away on his tablet, not looking up. “I don’t need a boner over hearing you having sex.”

“Awww,” Delaney dragged out, while clearly pleased; I wrinkled my nose in disgust.

“Gross, you get boners from hearing Delaney have sex?”

He shrugged his shoulders as if it was nothing. “It just happens. Doesn’t mean I want Delaney, no offense,” he said apologetically. “I’m a guy, I get a boner over side boob…anything can turn me on, really.”

“Interesting,” I thought to myself. I really needed to start reading more erotic, modern novels because the fluffy stories my mom introduced me to were not teaching me half the stuff I needed to know. I needed a Kindle.

“Alright, you’re all set. Your username is your email and your password is ‘takemyflower’ all one word.”

“Clever,” I said sarcastically, as I took the tablet from him and looked over my profile. “What now?”

“The system will match you up with someone and you can talk online. If you find enough interests, you can start going on dates. Pretty simple,” Henry explained.

“Do I search for guys?”

“They will come to you,” Henry laughed. Just relax for now and let things happen.

“This will be great,” Delaney clapped her hands together. “Make sure to keep a journal of everything you go through, all your feelings, because you’re going to want to refer back to your experiences. Oooh, this is like an experiment,” Delaney said with a little too much excitement in her voice.

“Glad I can entertain you, but if you two don’t mind, I think I’m going to get back to my writing.”

Henry cringed and said, “Hold off on the briar patch for now.”

“Do we need to go over lady-scaping?” Delaney asked with a brow raised.

“No, I’ve got that handled ever since freshman year when you called me out in the gym.” Another disservice my mother did to me.

“Well, don’t be sporting a bush…”

“Delaney, please!” I pleaded, while Henry laughed.

“Ah, Rosie, I love you,” he said, while pulling me into his chest and kissing me on the head. “Those traditional parents of yours really did a number on you. Do they still sleep in separate beds?”

I nodded as I thought about my parents who were stuck in the fifties. They had separate beds still, believed in the man providing for the family and the women tending to the home, as well as not ever speaking of intercourse; hence my disconnect with the whole concept. Although, my mom was very fond of matchmaking.

The only reason I have a fascination with the genre of books I read was because of my mom and her secret novels she kept under her bed. They used words like “sex” to describe a lady’s genitals and “sword” for a man’s penis. Those novels were my only window to the crazy world of sex.

Feeling energized and apprehensive at the same time, I said good night to my roommates and took off for my room, hoping someone on the website would find me attractive enough to take out to dinner. Even though I was inexperienced with the opposite sex, I still craved the feel of a relationship, of a man’s touch, of a kiss. It was an aspect of my life that I was sorely missing, and Delaney and Henry were right, maybe once I experienced the real deal, I would be able to put all my emotions into my writing and actually make a name for myself, other than Cat Crap Extraordinaire.

Chapter Two

The Virgin Bullet

“I swear to God, if you don’t stop licking yourself, I’m going to take that sand paper tongue of yours and snip it off with a pair of scissors, and you know what? I’ll enjoy doing it, too!” I shouted to Sir Licks-a-Lot, the orange tabby who insists upon hanging out in my office around one every day for his daily bath regimen.

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